No Contact

What does it mean to go “no contact” with someone? I had never heard of it before, and when I did hear about it, I didn’t know how you could do it, especially with someone who you can’t actually get away from. But this year, I implemented this into my life, and it has saved me.

There are very toxic and abusive people in life, maybe you’ve met them, or worked with them. When they are outside of your inner circle of people, you can ignore or avoid them.  But, when they are IN your inner circle, and you can’t avoid them, then life gets very stressful.  You try to deal with them, you avoid confrontation with them, and you even decide to forgive and try to repair your relationship with them, only to have it blow up in your face at the next crisis.

I’ve been doing all of that for 4 years or more.  There was no way to have a normal, or at least a cordial relationship with this person. When things went bad, there were all kinds of accusations,  lots of horrible name calling, and I would start to doubt that I was even a good person, that maybe I WAS this terrible person who was ruining their life.  My stomach hurt all the time and I felt shaky and angry! I wanted to argue and defend myself, but it never helped, it only made it worse. I was being bullied and my character was being assassinated! I felt attacked, constantly!  I tried all kinds of ways to cope, but then, it went too far.  A line was crossed when they started trashing me to my own sister on social media. When she tried to defend me, they threatened her.  I was so angry and upset, I finally had enough! I felt it to my very core that it was time to protect myself by going “no contact” with this person. I wasn’t sure how it would work or if anyone would support me, but it has actually saved me!

What “no contact” means to me is having specific personal boundaries that you do not waver on.  If you waver, then the boundaries are gone. I felt extremely helpless and out of control because I never knew what storm was coming, or when. And then when it did come, it was mean and relentless, and totally unwarranted. So I don't have control of how this person acts, and I don't control if others choose to have a relationship with them, but I do have control of ME!  I have the right to create boundaries to protect my wellbeing. I have the right to not be around someone who is abusive, or to have to pretend to have a normal relationship with this person when we do not. I have the right to choose who I allow to be in my home, and who I allow around my loved ones.

The boundaries I have set for myself are that I will not communicate with them in any way. Not by phone, text, email, social media, and definitely not face to face. I won’t be in their presence, so they’re not allowed to come to my home, they are not allowed to be around my parents or my sister and her family.  If other’s in my family want to see this person, they can, just not around me.

My husband has been extremely supportive of my decision, and has only asked about the firmness of my boundaries a couple of times, and now he realizes what I mean and why.

It has been nearly 6 months since I went “no contact” and I have felt better and more in control of my life. I am less angry, less emotional and because of that I am more objective about the situation, and I am sure that this is right for me.

It’s amazing to me of how much power we give to others, especially bullies. They only hold that power over us because we give it to them. I took my power back, and I don’t care what they say or do anymore. They are free to be as hateful as they want, just not around me!

Waiting Till You’re Good Enough

 

I started oil painting with my dad maybe 20 years ago, it was a fun activity to do together, and he was my instructor, teaching me about oil painting, mixing color, composition, brush strokes, etc. You think I’d be really good by now, but because for the first 18 years I only painted a few times a month at best, and once every 6 months at worst, I wasn’t really improving.

A few years ago, we did a plein air painting event in Cle Elum, in fact we did it for 3 years in a row.  I actually entered a few paintings in their show at the end.  It was scary, because I didn’t think I was very good, at least not good enough to enter a painting. But, my dad convinced me to enter them, and one year one of my paintings got an award. It gave me a little more confidence.

Then, we attended two of the Plein Air Magazine Conventions where you had the opportunity to watch amazing established artists paint and teach how they approach painting in the studio and plein air. I loved to watch them, just like I loved watching my dad. I started noticing that they all had different approaches, but still had beautiful results. At the first convention, I mostly watched other’s paint. At the 2^nd convention, I went out to paint, but got so overwhelmed. So, I packed up my paints and walked around watching other artists. When I got to Thomas Jefferson Kitts, he asked if I was having fun, I said that actually I was overwhelmed and didn’t feel like I was good enough to paint here!  He told me not to look at it that way, just look at it as FUN! If it’s not fun, why do it? I liked that, and I continue to hear him say that in my head, even now.

I decided to take some classes from art instructors. I took 2 from an artist close to me, Michele Usibelli. I love her style, and the color she put in her paintings. I was so insecure, and I was sure I was way out of my league taking classes from her. But, she was so encouraging, and generous with her knowledge, I felt more at ease, and I learned a lot from her.

After that, I decided to paint regularly, at least 4 times a week. I did that for a while, practicing what I learned. I painted with dad off and on too. But, life got in the way, and I slacked off, and my improvement stalled.

I learned from Michele and others that you have to paint at least 500 paintings before you start getting really good. So, at the beginning of this year I made two decisions, I would paint at least 5 days a week, and I would start sharing my paintings online.  The sharing part was hard, but because I did, I actually sold 2 of them!

I was listening to someone who said that art is NOT our baby! As artists, we love to create, so the process of conceiving an idea, composing the painting, and the actual painting of the piece is what we are here for. After the painting is done, we should let it go and move on to the next creation. Think of it like sky diving, you don’t do it because of the landing! You do it because you love the anticipation and the actual action of skydiving! (No, I don’t skydive, and never will!)

They also said you don’t need to wait until you think you’re good enough, because you never will. You create, that’s your job, and you let other’s decide whether they like it or don’t, that’s their job.

Whether someone likes it or not is NOT why you do it, you do it because you are an artist, and you need to create! That IS the reason! So, create, enjoy, have fun, put it out there, and let it go. Then do it all over again!

By the way, you can see my art progress on my Juliart FB page https://www.facebook.com/juliart1129/ 

Why I Hike Alone

 

I have lived in Washington State for almost all of my life, and as a kid I may have hiked a handful of times, but I never thought about it as something to really get into, ever!

Then I read Wild, by Cheryl Strayed. She hiked the Pacific Crest Trail alone, and it helped her find herself after some really bad times in her life.  I loved that idea. I decided I wanted to try hiking for exercise and for my inner self. I took my dog, Abbey, and my first hike was Snow Lake at Snoqualmie Pass on September 4^th, 2012. I hiked with my 4 year old grandson several times that fall, because I was babysitting him a lot.  But after that fall, I hiked alone.

So, why do I like hiking alone? There are several reasons

1.       I can go where I want- I can do a hard hike or an easy hike depending on my needs that day. I can do a trail with a waterfall, or a view, or a lake, or just a trail through the quiet forest. I don’t have to okay it with other people, I can change my mind at the last minute, and it’s simple and spontaneous. Occasionally, I hike with my dad, and usually I tell him the day before where I want to go, and he can say yes or no. He always says yes though! I use the Washington Trails Association website and phone app to help me choose hikes, it’s the best!

2.       I can go when I want- I am retired, so my time is my own (at least until recently!), and with the Google weather on my phone, I can look at the weather for the week and pick a nice day and just go!

3.       I can go at my own pace- I don’t have to wait for anyone, or keep up with anyone; I can go as slow or fast as I feel like.

4.       I don’t have to visit with anyone- That is the reason why I can do so much thinking; I don’t have to be social. (I am naturally introverted anyway!)

5.       My mood improves- I believe it’s just like a runner’s high, the endorphins kick in, and I am happy! And what is so much better than running, there is always a payoff at the end of the hike, a view, a beautiful alpine lake, a powerful waterfall, something that catches your breath and you have to sit down and take it all in!

6.       I do a lot of problem solving- It is amazing how clearly I think when I am walking, even just around where I live. Maybe it’s the improved circulation to the brain, the oxygen in the lungs, and the endorphins making me smarter (?), but I actually come up with solutions to problems, or I come to a conclusion or decide on one of my life’s truths.  Hiking is therapy to me. I feel it in my brain and my heart when I don’t get to do it!

A lot of people ask me if I am scared, worried about attacks from people or animals, of hurting myself, or getting lost. No, I’m not, because I am extremely careful and I have my strict safety rules.

1.       I only day hike, so I make sure that I am done before dusk.

2.       Someone always knows exactly where I am and how long it should take.

3.       I hike well-travelled trails.

4.       I read WTA’s trip reports and if there are bear or cougar sightings, I pass.

5.       I have actually gotten hurt before, I sprained my ankle on the Annette Lake trail.  But, I still managed to get home before anyone worried about me. I limped down using a walking stick for support and if I couldn’t have done that, there were people on the trail who would have helped me.

 

      In my mind, the benefits completely outweigh the risks, so I plan to continue.