Refuse to Be Disrespected

As I get older, I am still trying to find my way through life. Every once in a while, I have an epiphany; something that I hear or read that speaks to me or answers a question in me. I read this today, “You can’t force a person to show you respect, but you CAN refuse to be disrespected!”

I am not perfect, I have made lots of mistakes, but I have never done anything purposely unkind or mean to anyone. I genuinely like people for the most part. In fact, I think I give people WAY too much slack in their behavior towards me. But, once I recognize and accept that something is very wrong in my relationship with someone, I have to make a decision. Sometimes the decision is to just be polite and cordial, but not maintain a close relationship. And, sometimes the decision is to cut someone out of my life. That has only happened twice.

I believe that we are only in control of US! We are only in control of OUR behavior. We are only responsible for OUR mistakes. We are only committed to the people we CHOOSE to be committed to.

When something feels out of control to me, or when I feel I have lost control in a situation, I look at myself first. I ask myself questions like, what did I do to contribute to this? Is this something I am responsible for? Is this MY problem? If it is, I have to take ownership, and make it right. If it is not something I can take responsibility for, then I have to decide whether to be polite and cordial, but very neutral in a situation. That is almost always the first step. But, sometimes the “uncontrollable situation” involves the well-being and safety of me and others I am responsible for. If being neutral doesn’t work there, then I make the decision to cut them out of my life. I don’t do that lightly, and that is why it has only happened twice in my life.

My dad told me a story once, and I’m not clear who it was attributed to, I vaguely remember it being something that Red Skelton said, but I’m not sure. Anyway, someone asked him how many times you forgive someone. He said, I forgive the first time and go on with the relationship. If I forgive a second time, I let it go but I am cautious and slow to trust. If I am asked to forgive a third time, I light a candle and say goodbye because they are dead to me. (My own version of what I remember the story being).  

At some point, you need to protect yourself and your loved ones, or else you are just being naive. It may look mean to some, but in life, doing the right thing isn’t always easy, and that’s why it doesn’t always happen.

I believe that it is good to forgive, but don’t be stupid. Words are just words, but people’s actions will  show you who they are, don’t ignore that. If someone is constantly disrespectful to you and you accept that, you are teaching them how to treat you. You can’t insist on them treating you with respect, (I guess you can try, but it is their decision how to behave) but you don’t have to allow it to happen, you can REFUSE, even if that means cutting off that relationship.

You have a right to live a happy life, don’t waste time on bad behavior!

Depending on Your Forgiveness

I spent 7 years in a relationship with someone who I now identify as a Narcissist.  It followed a definite pattern of ups and downs.  When there were problems, they were BAD.  But, when it was good, it was exciting, fun and seemed to be “just what I needed”.  It ended when it was brought to my attention that he was dangerous, to me and to my son.  It took me a year to get out safely.  There was another year of torment from him until finally he gave up and in the 20 years since, he has disappeared off the face of the earth, as far as I am concerned.

That’s why when I had another encounter with someone who I now identify as a Narcissist, I recognized it.  Unfortunately, it is not someone I can get away from, at least not right now.  He knows that I understand who he really is.  He attacked me (in his favorite way, by texting) for a few years, until finally; I will have nothing to do with him.  Because I won’t respond, has no use for me, and is now attacking the rest of his family.  So, I still have to deal with his abuse, but it’s moved on from me to his own family members now. 

Even though he is absolutely horrible to his family, he still turns on the charm, and tries to be the person they want him to be when he needs something.  If you say no, then look out!  You will be destroyed!  After years of this, his family is finally seeing that and they don’t help him financially anymore, but all of this continues because they still keep trying to help him.  They don’t recognize that they need to cut him off from all “narcissistic supply” and don’t respond to his bad behavior.  I hear comments like, “I know there is a good kid in there” and “He just needs therapy” and “I am afraid he will do something to hurt himself”.  That is frustrating to me, but it is evidently not my business. The complicating factor is there is a young child involved, and he is the only reason I care at all.

I don’t know how long I will have to endure this, but I imagine just until the child is of age, and can’t be used to control us.

What I wish would happen is that his family would sit down with him, talk to him about what they won’t accept from him anymore, tell him what help they are willing to give if he will agree to it, and then be done with him.  They block his texts and emails, (his favorite modes of attack) and only accept phone calls where it has to do with the child.  They are afraid we won’t see the child, but I don’t think that is the case, he still wants us to watch the child when he needs us to.  I understand the fear, but I think it is really wrong for him to use the child to control us, and we are letting it happen.

Anyway, I see no end for at least 8 more years.