I Don't Want to be Perfect, I Want to be Free!

I started this blog in 2009, but I stopped posting because there were people who didn’t like what I wrote. I was asked to take down all the “offending” posts, which I did. I still wrote, but then I would put it away or delete it. It just didn’t feel the same, as though telling the blogosphere connected me in some way.

Today, I was listening to Elizabeth Gilbert’s podcast, and she was interviewing a writer who said she did it not because she had a need to be agreed with or liked, but because she just needed to be known! Maybe that’s me too, I want to talk about what I think about, what I go through, why I do things, and put it out there as a place to be completely honest. 

So, today I decided that I will start posting on my blog again! My posts will be about things I do like hiking, oil painting, maybe about daily life things. They will be about my relationships, aging, my revelations, my inspirations, my memories and even my frustrations and regrets.

 But, I am doing it for me!  I don’t care if anyone ever reads it, I don’t care if someone uses what I write against me, I don’t care if people don’t like it, but I DO care about putting it out there, because there is some accountability in that, and there is some freedom in that! 

I don’t want to be perfect, I want to be free.

Depending on Your Forgiveness

I spent 7 years in a relationship with someone who I now identify as a Narcissist.  It followed a definite pattern of ups and downs.  When there were problems, they were BAD.  But, when it was good, it was exciting, fun and seemed to be “just what I needed”.  It ended when it was brought to my attention that he was dangerous, to me and to my son.  It took me a year to get out safely.  There was another year of torment from him until finally he gave up and in the 20 years since, he has disappeared off the face of the earth, as far as I am concerned.

That’s why when I had another encounter with someone who I now identify as a Narcissist, I recognized it.  Unfortunately, it is not someone I can get away from, at least not right now.  He knows that I understand who he really is.  He attacked me (in his favorite way, by texting) for a few years, until finally; I will have nothing to do with him.  Because I won’t respond, has no use for me, and is now attacking the rest of his family.  So, I still have to deal with his abuse, but it’s moved on from me to his own family members now. 

Even though he is absolutely horrible to his family, he still turns on the charm, and tries to be the person they want him to be when he needs something.  If you say no, then look out!  You will be destroyed!  After years of this, his family is finally seeing that and they don’t help him financially anymore, but all of this continues because they still keep trying to help him.  They don’t recognize that they need to cut him off from all “narcissistic supply” and don’t respond to his bad behavior.  I hear comments like, “I know there is a good kid in there” and “He just needs therapy” and “I am afraid he will do something to hurt himself”.  That is frustrating to me, but it is evidently not my business. The complicating factor is there is a young child involved, and he is the only reason I care at all.

I don’t know how long I will have to endure this, but I imagine just until the child is of age, and can’t be used to control us.

What I wish would happen is that his family would sit down with him, talk to him about what they won’t accept from him anymore, tell him what help they are willing to give if he will agree to it, and then be done with him.  They block his texts and emails, (his favorite modes of attack) and only accept phone calls where it has to do with the child.  They are afraid we won’t see the child, but I don’t think that is the case, he still wants us to watch the child when he needs us to.  I understand the fear, but I think it is really wrong for him to use the child to control us, and we are letting it happen.

Anyway, I see no end for at least 8 more years.

The Pros/Cons of Using Facebook

I’ve been doing some thinking about Facebook (FB).  I hear people’s comments and judgements about what is wrong with using this popular social media platform.  I hear criticisms of my own Facebook page, or how I use it.  I read editorials on why we should delete our FB page right now.  And, I wonder which of those points are valid for me, and what do I want from using FB.  So, as I like to do when making a life decision, I made a list of the Pros and Cons of using FB.

Pros

• I’ve become friends with people I’ve met on Facebook
• I keep up with what’s going on with my friends and family
• I sometimes learn new information; political, religion, entertainment, current events
• I feel less isolated, being retired.
• I enjoy reconnecting with old classmates

Cons

• FB takes you away from real life and real friends.
• The phenomenon of “social comparison”
• Time waster
• Keeping up with people you don’t even really know or care about in real life
• There is a lot of “junk” that I don’t want to see (ads, videos, memes)
• Privacy issues

 The thing that I think causes the MOST trouble is the social comparison aspect.  When you post of FB, you are showing the things you are the most proud of, or happy about.  You don’t necessarily show, or share your personal issues or challenges you have in life.  I had someone tell me that I am a formidable friend, and her explanation was that because my life seems so perfect, I make other people feel inferior.  She was talking about my FB page, because I don’t really talk to her all that much other than on FB.  Since then, I have been sensitized with that, but I personally think of FB as a kind of photo album, with written narratives, since you aren’t there to explain the photos.  I don’t post anything negative, or at least I try not to.  I have given my opinions in the past, but that has not worked out so well, so I don’t do that anymore.

I also feel that FB is addicting, and you can spend too much time on it.  I know I do that, and I get irritated at myself for that.  I check it all the time.  That is something I personally have to work on.  I don’t care if other’s think I spend too much time on it, it’s not their business.  But, when I think I check it too often, it bothers me, and I have to do something about it.  I don’t know what yet, but I’ll let you know.

Some of the other criticisms I listed, such as reading stuff I don’t care about from people I don’t really know, I have some control over.  In fact, I just recently went through my friend list and took some people out that I don’t know, or I haven’t liked what they have been posting.  There are a few more I might delete, not because I don’t like them, but because they don’t fit with what I use FB for.

And what DO I use FB for?  Or, more specifically, what do I want to get out of using FB?

• I like keeping up with my family and my close friends.  I want to watch my cousins kids grow up.  I want to stay in touch with aunts, uncles, cousins, and family that live far away.  My son doesn’t stay in close contact with me, and that is as it should be, but every once in a while, I get to see what he is doing, and it makes me happy. I also want to see what my friends are up to, what they are doing, because at this stage in our lives, we don’t get together as often as we used to.
• I like reconnecting with friends that I have lost track of.  My 40^th high school reunion is coming up, and I have reconnected with several people from my class as well as a few years before and after my graduation.  Some of them post a lot, some of them don’t, but when I go to the reunions, I feel very comfortable walking right up to them, because we are familiar with each other through FB.
• I have made a couple of new friends on FB, one of whom I really enjoy.  We have met in person only a couple of times, but we have a lot in common, and she has a great attitude about life, and priorities.  I would never have met her without FB.
• I have “friended” several artists, because my dad is an artist and I have taken it up as well.  I watch what they do, and I appreciate seeing their artwork.  I also find out about showings, or workshops, and maybe even get ideas to help promote my dad’s art.  I learn a lot.
• I like posting photos I take of my adorable grandsons, of my wonderful family, of my close friends, of the hikes I take, and the places I get to visit!  That doesn’t mean my life is perfect, because it’s not, no one’s life is perfect.  But at my age, I am enjoying these things, and it gives me joy to share that with my friends and family.  (I have started using Instagram more for the hiking photos, because I can connect with and enjoy other hiker’s photos.)  My feeling is that if someone thinks I am posting too much that they are not interested in, they will “unfriend” me like I do when I am not interested in what someone chooses to post.

One time when I was annoyed with something that was happening on FB, I was telling my mom that I thought I needed to delete my FB account.  She said “No, don’t do that, just remember, FB is a tool to use however YOU want to use it!”  I think she is right.